I was recently talking to a coworker and somehow it came up that part of why she loves being around me is because I am animated when I talk. She said some other things as well, but all I heard was that. My mind zoned out on the compliment in shock. I am animated? What? Since when? What are you talking about?
I decided to spend time with myself about this compliment. Why was I shocked? How does the observation impact my life? Why might she see me this way?
I allow myself to be free and just exist in my true personality when I am around people that I don’t consider family, that I don’t deeply care about, or that I don’t love. That personality is very animated. It is free-flowing.
This personality is not who I am when I am around my closest friends or family. I’m shut down and cautious. Always afraid of saying or doing something wrong. I second-guess everything I say or do. I am definitely not free-flowing. I did it tonight with Eddie and our friend while they were playing video games. I showed them a ridiculous picture posted by a local restaurant and instantly regretted it. I wanted to crawl into a hole because I was stupid.
Who I am when I am around people who haven’t known me long or that I don’t yearn for their love is different that the person I am when I am around people who have known me for a long time and who I desperately want to love me.
Because I desperately want to be loved, not fuck shit up, and not offend. I am a people pleaser. It is a subconscious habit that I continuously struggle to overcome.
Because I was continuously yelled at for being silly or free while growing up. I was always in trouble for one thing or another, including what my sisters did and blamed on me. I just wanted love. I just needed love. All I received, or all I felt like I received, was continuous proof that I was a problem for anybody and everybody around me.
Is that how those closest to me treat me today? No.
My subconscious does not allow me to let myself be free once I am super close to someone for fear that I will chase them off because I am a problem.
It also stems from being bullied at school for being silly…like the other girls were. For some reason, the bullies chose to harass me for doing the same things they did. Why? Why do school-aged girls have to be so mean? I don’t know the answer to this one. I wish I did so I could shield our nieces.
I want to be free and silly and animated and just myself. I NEED to be. I just don’t know how to be. I’m afraid. Fear is still winning this war.